Ultimate SatisfactionWhat Do Women Really Want in Bed?
The perfect sexual encounterWhen I ask women to visualise the ultimate satisfaction, I’m blown away by how often they seem to desire the same ingredients: tenderness, intimacy, sensuality, foreplay, trust, love, romance, and atmosphere (the whole flowers, dinner, soft music, candle light effect, please!). That’s not to say that women don’t enjoy quickies or roughness or kinky sex and forceful games, because often they do. Women like the idea of being overpowered, but not in a clumsy, heavy-handed, brutal way. For better sex there needs to be a tough-tender balance that can only be created by a sense of safety and trust. TendernessGentle touch is high on women’s list of priorities for ultimate satisfaction: Skin first, then breasts, then a tantalizing tease along the stomach towards the genitals. Few things are more off-putting than an awkward grab at the breasts or pussy before she’s sufficiently moist.Although there are always individual differences, more women respond positively to very light than to very heavy handling. A featherlike caress usually does far more than a bear-hug. The clitoris especially is delicate and hypersensitive to any kind of stimulation. Men forget it has twice the number of nerve endings than its robust male counterpart, the penis. Stimulation tolerance increases with sexual excitement, but is instantly lost during orgasm, after which extra softness is required. For women, tenderness is revealed in more than just the way they’re being touched. Ultimate satisfaction hides in sustained eye contact, an unhurried approach, words of affirmation and a heightened awareness of what they’re feeling during the act.
Sensuality often goes hand in hand with tenderness. It takes time and a gentle hand to indulge the senses. The results are mostly spectacular! 
LubricationAmple lubrication is a must for ultimate satisfaction - simply because it reduces pain and enhances pleasure. If a woman is too dry, it’s likely that she is not sufficiently aroused. More time is needed and a bit of extra help with saliva or some of the commercial lubricants on offer. The stop-start technique works well: any direct clitoral stimulation is stopped in favour of stroking and licking any other erogenous zone of her body. This gives her body a moment to catch up.Dryness could also be the consequence of stress, depression, hormonal changes, some medical conditions or medication. If it persists, medical intervention could make a world of difference. PenetrationWomen love penetration not so much for the physical sensation as the feeling of closeness it generates. An orgasm rarely occurs from vaginal thrusting alone, but the idea of opening one self up to the male and pulling him deep within, is at least as emotionally satisfying as any possible bodily gratification.EroticaWomen today are fast catching up in introducing erotic materials into their sex lives as libido enhancers. However, the quality of erotica that turns women on differs greatly from what males require to have a great time.Females sometimes enjoy hard-core porn, but because they don’t get aroused as quickly as men do by the visuals, they tend to get caught up in the politics of pornography and baulk at the objectification of women. Soft porn with a romantic story-line (see the erotic fiction page) wins out most of the time. And because women aren’t quite as visually orientated when it comes to sex as men, erotic poetry works like a charm. One-Night StandsUltimate satisfaction for women is not to be found in one-night stands. In general women just don’t find one-night stands as gratifying as men do. In an online survey of 1743 men and women by Durham University in the UK, 80 per cent of men reported having positive feelings after a one-night stand, while just 54 per cent of the women felt the same way.Men were more likely to feel confident and brag to their mates the morning after, while women were more likely to feel ‘used’ or disappointed with themselves. This confirms that women still tend to connect emotion and sex, whereas men are generally quite comfortable separating the two. Even if sex is physically satisfying, women often find sex without emotion unfulfilling. So Now What?Communicate your needsMen tend to approach the sexual act from the framework of what works for them: they’re ardently penis-focussed and prefer the proceedings to be opened with genital play. If you’re like most women, often a much subtler approach is required for optimal pleasure.If you don’t communicate your own preferences to your partner, you’ll have to be content with what’s on offer, which is often a recipe for a profoundly unsatisfactory sex life. To gain ultimate satisfaction, patience with each other and a shared vision are required, albeit with lots of negotiation when wants and needs differ. Find a balanceIn the end ultimate satisfaction is all about moving towards something that works for both of you. Sometimes you’ll both enjoy it fast and furious, or hot and steamy, or slow and sensual with time for fabulous foreplay. Just about anything and everything that you both agree to and feel comfortable with, has its place. If any doubt exists, read the section on sexual deviance.Erotic JournalingThe following two exercises have been designed to help you explore your own sexual preferences, fantasies and needs. Read more about the process of erotic journaling here.Exercise 11. Find a space where you won’t be disturbed for at least 30 minutes. Close your eyes and go to your safe place in your imagination. This process is described more fully in the section on erotic journaling. Most importantly, slow your breathing and relax the muscles in your body.2. Imagine inviting a lover into your safe place – it could be someone you know or someone you’re conjuring up in your imagination. Picture what he (or she) looks like in great detail: their face and body, as well as their body language and demeanour. 3. Now visualise that you’re having the ideal sexual encounter according to your own preferences and needs. Slow all movement down so that you can process each sensual element. See what you can see. Hear what you can hear. Smell the smells and taste the tastes. Really feel it. 4. Take as long as you need. If it leads to the urge to pleasure yourself, enjoy! 5. What have you learnt about yourself by completing this exercise?
Exercise 21. Write a letter to an imaginary lover who is far away at present, but will return to you in the near future. The person could be someone you know or a figment of your imagination.2. Describe in great detail what you would like to do to them when you see them again, as well as what you would have them do to you. 3. Be creative when you do this journal entry. Be bold and self-assured. Assume anything is possible. Invent new sexual activities that you’ve never even dreamt of before. 4. Don’t allow your own inner critic take control of the situation. If you have unhelpful thoughts about your sex drive or your libido or any other challenges you may face, don’t hook into them. Acknowledge the thought, then let it go. Gently bring your attention back to the exercise. 5. Remember, you don’t have to be afraid of fantasising. Thoughts are just thoughts and it doesn’t mean you have to put them into practice. 6. Reflect on what you’ve learnt about your own sexual urges and enter that into your journal too.
(From Ultimate Satisfaction) (Back to Better Sex Home Page)
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