Sexual DevianceHave you encountered the dark side of sex?Attitudes in society regarding sexual deviance versus what is deemed to be socially acceptable sexual behaviour swing like a pendulum from repressive to permissive and back again. In the Victorian era, for example, women were expected to be above all chaste, whilst in the in the 1990’s an ultra-high sex drive seems to be the ultimate female accessory! These days women run the risk of getting accused of being ‘frigid’ if they dare admit to not wanting sex each day all day. The quest for adventureI’ve had my fair share of discussions in the therapy room about sexual deviance. The boundary between having a high sex drive and deviance is a fluid one. There are a lot of consenting adults out there who enjoy activities that veer away from the norm. This includes swinging, participation in threesomes and orgies, as well as a wide range of fetishes.There is no doubt that discipline and bondage are sought-after sexual activities. One international survey indicates that 20 per cent of adults say they have experimented with masks, blindfolds and other bondage gear and 35 per cent have tried anal sex. Yet most of us entertain strong personal ideas about sexual deviance. So what do you think? What’s simply kinky and what’s truly disturbing? Where’s the line?I suggest that crossing the line with sexual deviance has to do with wildly excessive and destructive forces. It includes anything non-consensual and of course all sexual behaviours that involve children and animals or include elements of exploitation and danger.In general, sexuality experts tend to view most unusual sexual practices on the tame side of the line as harmless as long as they’re part of a range of responses and behaviours. If you like getting spanked or your partner gets aroused by dressing up in women’s underwear, that’s nothing to worry about unless it’s the only thing that turns you on. You can read more about this paraphilia in secret sex concerns. ParaphiliasThese are unconventional sexual behaviours that are both obsessive and compulsive.An example would be someone who can only get sexually aroused whilst wearing diapers. The specific behaviour becomes necessary for sexual satisfaction – nothing else works. For some people, the use of pornography falls into this category. They lose their ability to respond sexually unless they look at or imitate porn. Illegal activitiesLet me be clear about this: sexual harassment, flashing, making obscene phone calls and peeping tom activities are definitely not okay. Incest, sexual abuse and rape have far-reaching consequences – for both victims and perpetrators. If you have had experiences on either side of the line, seek help without delay.If you’re a victim of sexual abuse, read Grace's story, for a take on how body psychotherapy assisted in her healing process. You may also find the interview with John Glanville , a forensic psychologist, interesting. John is a specialist in the area of risk assessment and treatment of sexual offenders. He has some thought-provoking ideas on sexual offending, protecting yourself against offenders, and sexuality in general. Erotic journaling exerciseMake sure you won’t be disturbed for 20 minutes to half-an-hour. Take a few deep belly breaths, then imagine visiting your safe place, as discussed in the section on erotic journaling.Explore the following questions in your journal: 1. What are the most risqué sexual behaviours you have engaged in? What feelings did those behaviours generate for you during the act, as well as the morning after? Is it something you would like to do again? Why or why not? 2. Are there any sexual activities that may veer away from the norm that you would like to explore to bring more variety into your sex life? Are there any safety aspects you have to consider? How do you think your partner would react? 3. Choose one ‘naughty but nice’ activity to introduce into your sexual repertoire. Here are a few ideas: Sensual thrills (ice, candles, feathers, silk, leather, food, music); making love outdoors; shaving your partner’s pubic hairs; using a new sex toy; wearing no panties for a day out with your partner; dressing up; talking sexy; doing a striptease; soft bondage (using scarves); reading an erotic book; phone sex; swimming naked. 4. What activity have you chosen to explore? What is your biggest stumbling block in going ahead with your plan? How will you overcome it? Leave a space open in your journal for reflection after the event.
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