Be Your Own Sex Therapist

Today is the day that you can learn to be your own sex therapist.

I believe unequivocally that being open about sex and sexual problems is a good thing. We’ve come a long way from the times when sex, even consensual sex in the context of a committed relationship, was something to be whispered about.

Even so, sex still evokes destructive emotions in a lot of women: At first, pressure from society not to engage in it; then pressure from partners to go for it; regret about having done it; angst about body image and performance; distress about libido levels, unease about unwanted pregnancies and STI's.

The list goes on. No wonder that more and more women consider consulting a sex therapist.

In the therapy room...

‘I think I’m frigid.’ ‘I don’t think I satisfy him.’ ‘If I never have to have sex again, I won’t miss it.’ ‘Sex is just another chore.’ ‘I only have sex to get a decent cuddle.’ ‘I just go through the motions because sex is expected from me.’

If one or more of these statements resonate with you, the first thing to consider is whether you may be able to help yourself. But consider this: Are you really ready for change? What I mean is, are you ready to do the work that needs to be done to make things better? If you are, you can be your own sex therapist first.

Sex therapy is always an option when it comes to sexual dysfunctions in a woman, but it may be worth your while to try the following:

Talk to your partner

Honest communication will go a long way towards making your partner feel less resentful and more supportive of you. It will also relieve any feelings of rejection that he may be struggling with.

Ask for what you need

Create a fantasy in your mind of the ultimate sexual encounter – something that will undeniably turn you on. Then suggest it to your partner. Be prepared to demonstrate your self-pleasure in order to teach your partner. Taking responsibility for your own satisfaction is an important part of intimacy.

Deal with unresolved issues from the past

Explore Your Own Body

Masturbation is a good thing. Do it often - and if you need some instruction, check out the Directed Masturbation Program for a bit of extra help.

Consider a fresh approach

Make an effort. (And while you're at it, write your own poems and submit them for publication on this site!)

Don’t give up

If being your own sex therapist doesn't do the trick, talk to your partner about seeing a professional. The dividends may be well worth the trouble!

Erotic Journaling Exercises

Therapy is about peeling back the layers of fear that keep you trapped in the ‘I can’t’ stories of your mind. You can do a lot of that yourself – if you know what questions to ask yourself and how to challenge yourself. These pages, and especially the erotic journaling exercises, will help you do that.

Thing is, you absolutely can and you should and you must create a life that’s worth living. Nobody can do it for you. It starts with moving towards what you want rather than focusing on what you don’t want. See if the following erotic journaling exercise helps you to figure this out:

For Journaling...

2. Ask yourself what keeps you from having great sex. Are you too tired? Do you have problems with your body image? Do you need to learn about sexual techniques? Have you become lazy? Are you struggling with unresolved conflict in your relationship? Once you know what the problems are, you can brainstorm possible solutions and come up with a workable plan.

3. Change involves a mind-shift, but it also entails taking observable action; to break away from justifications or excuses. What do you need to DO differently to have better sex? You don’t have to think big here – small tweaks are often more sustainable, and thus more effective, than attempts at total revolution. (You could, for example, decide to create a half-hour time slot per day for self-pampering, change your diet, exercise to generate more energy; take a dance class to learn to express yourself through movement, buy a self-help book that teaches you sex positions, make an appointment with a relationship counsellor….)

4. Sex is a two-way street, but you can only control your part in it. Don’t waste your precious energy in resenting what your partner does or doesn’t do. Communicate your needs by all means, but understand that if you focus on genuinely bringing constructive change into the relationship, your partner can’t help but notice and respond in a positive way.

5. Challenge yourself by doing the opposite of what you normally do. Sometimes you have to work hard at creating new neural pathways when it comes to old habits. Give more if you’re a taker. Take more if you’re a giver. Learn about diverse sexual styles and challenge yourself to adopt different ways of doing things. Surprise yourself! You might even grow to like it.

6. Every day I get paid to tell people, ‘You’ll be fine.’ They do this even though I tell them it works almost as well to say it to themselves. Learn to speak kindly to yourself. Try it right now, so you can use it the next time you feel helpless or hopeless. Silently tell yourself simple things like, ‘It’s okay,’ ‘I can do this,’ ‘Things can only get better,’ ‘There’s no rush.’ You’ll be amazed at the power of this humble strategy to calm anxiety and motivate action.

7. Don’t track the wrong things. Figure out what really matters, such as quality of sex rather than frequency.

8. Stop the inner arm wrestle. If you feel stuck when it comes to improving your sex life, it may be because you have contradictory beliefs that are competing for control of your behaviour. One way to figure out if this is true, is to write down your competing beliefs. If part of you would love to be more adventurous in sex, but another part of you believes adventurous women are sluts, you won’t be more daring until you flip that thought. Once you bring the inner conflict into your awareness, you will have more choice regarding your behaviours.

9. Chart your progress in your journal. If you don’t hold yourself accountable, nobody else will.

(From Be Your Own Sex Therapist) (To Sex Problems) (To Sexual Dysfunctions) (To Secret Sex Concerns) (To Libido) (To Sex Therapy) (To Directed Masturbation) (To Sexually Transmitted Infections) (To Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) (To Healing Child Sexual Abuse with Body Psychotherapy) (To Body Psychotherapy) (To Erotic Journaling) (Back to Home Page)