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Sex Diaries

Welcome to our sex diaries section. If you're wondering what goes on in the bedrooms of real women (and men) the world over, take a peek at what our contributors have to say. And by all means, if you would like to contribute to the conversation, have your say!

The Sex Diaries by Bettina Arndt

I recently bought The Sex Diaries by Bettina Arndt at Sydney Airport to read on a flight to South Africa. One of the reviews on the backpage caught my attention:

'The diaries aren't really about sex... but about the emotions that surround sex with someone you love - fear, gratitude, guilt, resentment, hope...'

After devouring the entire book in one sitting, I have to agree. What appealed most to me was not blow-by-blow (or suck-by-suck) descriptions of sexual experiences, but the feelings surrounding sex that are caused by the night-time drama being played out in bedrooms everywhere.

It was a refreshing look into the truth that generally, men want sex more than women do - and what happens when discrepancies in sexual drive take centre-stage in a relationship.

In The Sex Diaries Bettina Arndt, an Australian sex therapist, asked ninety-eight couples to keep diaries, revealing their intimate negotiations over sex. She also draws on her experience in the field to provide an interesting analysis of the results that challenges our basic assumptions about sex. Ultimately, she proposes a new approach to how couples can enjoy regular sex - and most importantly, sustain loving relationships.

Extracts from The Sex Diaries

Here are a few extracts that provide flavour to Arndt's book:

'I just feel bloody guilty. I sense when he is feeling like sex, and I psych myself and prepare myself to cope. Shit, that sounds dreadful but it's the truth. I think having sex when you don't really want it is the most horrible thing. Once I would still respond, and even have orgasms despite not wanting it but now I don't have any response at all, so it feels horrible. Inside, I'm screaming for it to be over quickly, but outside I'm pretending... moving with him, grabbing his back, making him feel that I'm with him. But I'm not. I think he suspects; in fact, I'm sure he suspects, but it's a game we both play.'

On the other side of the coin there are revelations from men who feel duped, disappointed, and in despair at finding themselves spending their lives begging for sex from their loved partners. Forty-one year old Andrew wrote:

'I am totally at a loss as to what to do. I do lover her and I think she loves me but I cannot live like a monk. I have deliberately tried not to mention sex much at all but now I am so frustrated I don't know what to do. I am at breaking point. I cannot and will not continue on like this. I refuse to go through life begging.'

Sex isn't all doom and gloom. I love the way Ivan expressed his thoughts about making love:

'In a civilised relationship, sex, or lovemaking, is a cocktail concocted from a need or desire to copulate, mixed with elements of lust, affection, love, intimacy, humour and, especially, communication. Is there a more beautiful way of celebrating your being alive? The wonder of it. The excitement of it. The shared pleasure. Communicating that in an intimate and exhilirating way. But, it should be mutual. The light in the eye is essential. No light, don't go there.'

Indeed.

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What Other Visitors Have Said

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Sex Diaries: Low Sex Drive  Not rated yet
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Reader Post in Sex Diaries: 'I'm almost too embarrassed to admit it, but I have sizzling fantasies about celebrities that even translate into my sleep-...

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(From The Sex Diaries back to Better Sex for Women Home Page)

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