Self Care for Sexual Energy
The link between Libido and Self CareSelf care and libido are intimately linked. Low sex drive or a lack of libido is about not having the sexual energy to enjoy a healthy sex life. The more tired you are, the easier it is to say 'no' to sex. You don't have to have a psychological degree to know that sex drive rises and falls. The desire fluctuations that are caused by the worries and stress of every-day living can take a huge toll on your love life. This is where self care makes a difference: it helps you to modulate your interest in sex and ignites the flames of passion. Flames of PassionIn her excellent book, Good Loving Great Sex, Dr Rosie King uses the example of a flame, like a gas flame on a Bunsen burner in a laboratory, to explain how certain factors modulate your sex drive.By turning the air inlet at the base of the burner, the flame can be made to burn low or high. Imagine that there is a similar 'control knob' on your flame of desire. Like a thermostat on a gas stove, or the dimmer switch of a light, this control knob turns your desire up or down. One of the most important factors that turns your libido switch on, is proper self care. Are You Looking After Yourself First?One of the most frequent complaints I hear from women in the therapy room is that they’re feeling too tired to engage in sex, let alone enjoy it. If you can identify with this, it may be that you’re overlooking the difference between caring for others and over-caring. When you get trapped in a cycle of depleting your energy to look after those around you, self-care is usually the first to go.Here’s what you need to understand above all else: The better you look after yourself, the more energy you’ll have to care for your loved ones and the more oomph you’ll put into your sex life. So banish the guilt, listen to your body and do something good for yourself for a change.
Distinguish between Care and Over-careTrue care of others from a place of joyful giving enhances your own health and happiness. Over-care exhausts and harms you. If you sacrifice your own time and resources to look after others, it leads to strong feelings of resentment. Overcommitting yourself is often motivated by guilt, a sense of inadequacy or a wish to compensate for unfinished business of the past.The way to know the difference is to tune in to how it makes you feel when you’re taking care of others. If you feel happy and revitalized, keep doing what you’re doing. If you’re feeling drained and burnt-out, stop! You can’t be available to others in a healthy way unless you’re also getting your own needs met.
Banish GuiltSelf-care is a vital part of maintaining good health and a vibrant life. The more you care for yourself, the more energy you have to care for others – your family, your friends and those in your community. A daily commitment to self-care is about looking after your physical, emotional and spiritual health in ways that make you feel good about yourself.It’s important to know how to nurture yourself, especially during times that you’re under a lot of pressure. It can be done by surrounding yourself with beauty, eating well, moving your body, creating a balance between relaxation and activity, and finding ways to gain more support in your life. Extreme self care is a way of ‘refuelling’. It incorporates behaviours that help you to be refreshed, replenish your personal motivation and have the emotional energy to look after others too. To live a balanced life, you need ‘down’ time – time to daydream, sit in the sun, prepare a leisurely meal, take a walk and have fun.
Make ChangesI don’t have to say it, because you already know: If you do what you’ve always done, you get what you’ve always gotten. It’s time for radical change. Here are things you can do:- Develop healthy boundaries and set limits. You can learn to say ‘no’ gracefully and without feeling you have to explain yourself. Just say, ‘I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to help this time.’ Then smile and change the subject. - Delegate. Are there things that your partner or your children can do to help out? In our family, everyone has a cooking night. No excuses. We also have a rule that cooks don’t clean. It takes some doing to establish these routines, but if you’re firm and consistent, it can take a lot of pressure off you in the long run. - Ask for help. You’re not superwoman so you don’t even have to pretend you have it all under control. Tell others when you’re struggling without giving in to anger or resentment, and accept their help. To do this, you first have to believe that you deserve help. Besides, you can always return the favour later. Self care is all about developing the wisdom to understand that, as a woman, you need to look after yourself first. We’re not talking selfishness here, ladies, so immediately send The Guilts back to where it came from. To care for others takes energy – oomph that you just don’t have if you deplete your energy stores. Using self care strategies is all about refuelling when you need it the most. The How to of Self Care:Find time for yourself.Time is an interesting concept, don’t you think? We all have the same amount of it – exactly 24 hours per day. The question is not whether you have it; the question is how you allocate it.With an equal sum of time, how is it that some people seem to be so time-rich and others so time-poor? We all find time for the things we have to do. But what about the rest of it? What about the things you would love to do? How do you prioritise? Do you choose to sleep in or do you get up an hour earlier and do something that you value? Do you work longer hours to make more money or do you cut back to spend more time with your family? Do you watch three hours of television per day or do you use some of it to go to the gym? There are no right or wrong answers to these types of questions. Now and then you desperately need to sleep more and mostly you need the money and every so often it’s nice to relax in front of the TV. But often we live on auto-pilot and don’t even ask ourselves what changes we could make to live more meaningful lives. Ask yourself:- What are the time-thieves in your day? (Think TV, surfing the web, smoke-breaks.)- How can you plan your week differently to save time on the things you have to do? (Think grocery shopping, cooking, driving the kids around.) - What are you willing give up/do less of in order to have one solid hour of me-time? (Think an hour’s sleep, checking your email; cleaning.) - Who in your support network might be able to help you? (Think other mums who would be willing to take turns having all the kids for one afternoon a week, family who don’t mind babysitting now and then). Remember, asking for help is a sign that you want to grow, not a sign of weakness or failure. Make the distinction between asking for help and being helpless. Pamper YourselfNow that you’ve found the time, you need to work out what to do with it. Here are a few ideas:-Use it for self-grooming. Put on some much-loved music, relax into a bath and then do the shaving, waxing, plucking, self-tanning thing. -Indulge in creative journaling. Ask yourself, what am I feeling right now? Express whatever comes to mind in words, colour or form. -Pour yourself a glass of red (yay for flavonoids!) and read your favourite magazine from cover to cover. -Plant some colourful flowers if gardening makes your heart sing. -Write a letter to someone you love. (No, I don’t mean send an email – I mean write it out on exquisitely beautiful paper and mail it.) -Meditate. -Build a puzzle. -Find a way to connect with nature. Walk on the beach or sit in a park. -Eat until you’re tired, and then sleep until you’re hungry. -Watch re-runs of ‘Sex and the City’. -Ask yourself what activity makes you feel really happy. Do that. Take a look at The Woman's Big List of Pleasurable Activities for more ideas. Extend your InterestsWidening your interests and relationships outside the home is guaranteed to make you feel stronger and more connected to others. As your self-esteem improves, you will have more in the way of positive support to offer others. The pursuit of independent friends and interests isn’t a betrayal of your intimate relationship; it is something that enhances it.Erotic Journaling ExerciseIf you’re prone to over-caring, now is the time to be 100 per cent honest with yourself. Prepare yourself for erotic journaling, then answer the following questions and do the exercises in your journal:1. How is your lack of self-care impacting on your sexual relationship? 2. What are you getting out of over-caring and excessive nurturing of others? 3. An important part of self-care is to evaluate what your needs are. Do a self-care audit by asking yourself the following questions: • What do I need to live a rich, fulfilling, and meaningful life? • Are my physical, emotional, and spiritual needs being met? If not, what do I need to change? • What am I tolerating in my life that is draining my energy? • Am I making time to do what matters most? • What excuses am I using to keep me from living my best life? • What fears are lurking behind the excuses? 4. Make a list of self-care activities that you commit doing for yourself during the next month.
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