Secret Sex ConcernsWhat are the secret sex concerns that you’ve been too embarrassed to talk about? Don’t think for one moment that you’re alone if you lack in the knowledge apartment when it comes to the down-and-dirty details of having sex. You’ll never know unless you ask, right? Follow the links below for a full discussion of the following question:
‘I have the urge to cry after I’ve reached an orgasm but I can’t let go. I also don’t want to upset my partner. What if he thinks it’s his fault?’
‘I’ve read somewhere that my partner’s penis can break. Is this true?’It is possible, though unlikely, to fracture one of the two hydraulics contained in the shaft of your partner’s penis. This is very painful, but can be avoided if you don’t bend it in its erect state, or use a position where it can be violently curved by accident. An example would be when you’re on top during sexual intercourse or when sliding him in.On the whole the penis is a resilient organ and can stand up to surprisingly vigorous use. ‘My husband complains that my vagina is too large.’When you’re aroused it’s natural for your vagina to balloon in size. If your vagina seems to be too loose a fit, switch to a sex position in which your thighs are pressed together – rear entry for best effect.Long term, it may help to do Kegel exercises to keep your muscles toned. Kegel exercises are designed to strengthen the pelvic floor muscles. When well done, Kegel exercises develop a rippling movement in the vagina and a stronger experience of orgasm. You will find the muscles that come in play when you are about to urinate. Squeeze, then relax. Insert two fingers and contract around them to learn what it feels like. Breathe out and contract, breathe in, and release. Aim for 50 times, twice a day. Some sex toy stores sell penis-shaped resisters to create more effective toning. Read more in the section called
anatomy of the vagina.
‘I don’t understand why my partner likes to dress up in my clothes. Does it mean he’s homosexual?’Cross-dressers have the urge to explore their feminine side by putting on female clothes. Male cross-dressers are often repressed and may have had dominant mothers. When pressures build up, dressing in women’s clothing seems to relieve stress for them. It’s often done in secrecy, but some men level with their partners and families and do it with their full knowledge.Cross-dressing isn’t inevitably a huge problem if it is part of a varied sexual repertoire. If it becomes a paraphilia however, which means that your partner can only get aroused when he’s dressed in female clothes, he may benefit from professional help. For more information, see the section on sexual deviance. Cross-dressers aren't necessarily homosexual. ‘I’m not into sex at all – never have been, never will be. I’m happy the way I am, but my friends say I have a problem.’A small number of people describe themselves as asexual and not wanting sex is a permanent state of being for them. This is different from people who struggle with low libido or who have had traumatic sexual experiences such as rape or abuse that make them anxious.There are some indications that prenatal conditions may account for asexual people’s different sexual development. However, that doesn’t mean you need ‘fixing’. Being asexual isn’t a problem unless you see it that way. If you have the capacity to form a relationship with someone who doesn’t expect sex to be part of the deal, or if you’re content with being single, then that’s perfectly okay. ‘My partner is my first lover. What if I’m doing it wrong?’The first thing to consider is that there isn’t really a right or a wrong way to have intercourse. There is only what works for both of you as you explore different ways of pleasing each other.Get out of your head and into your body. Focus on what you experience through your senses. Ask your lover what he likes and what feels good to him. Be gentle and patient with yourself. Remember, whatever the question, love is the answer.
‘I’m too scared to try anal sex.’
Anal sex is forbidden territory for a lot of women. There is the physical discomfort to consider, as well as the fear that your partner may come out, let’s say a little streaky.
Firstly, the anus is highly sensitive and some women not only enjoy it, but achieve spectacular orgasms during anal stimulation. The secret is to go slow. Foreplay and good lubrication are key. Stop if it feels uncomfortable - you can always try again later as you become more accustomed to the idea or feel more aroused. It’s good to know that faecal matter is not actually stored in the anal canal; however, residual traces of it may still be lingering. Ensure that your partner cleans his fingers or penis if you plan to switch between the anus and vagina to prevent the transfer of bacteria. Let’s face it, ladies; sex is not exactly the most sterile activity at its best. You won’t know if it could add something extraordinary to your sexual repertoire unless you give it a go. Read an extract on anal sex by Belle de Jour, the author of 'Intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl.' It may give you a whole new perspective on sex through the back door.... ‘I want to try anal sex on my partner, but I don’t know if he wants me to.’The first line of attack is always to talk about it. A good lead-in question might be to ask if your partner has ever done it before. If they have, ask if they liked it. If they haven’t tried it, ask if they would like to take a crack at it (pun intended!).Next time you have sex, give his bum cheeks a firm squeeze and note whether he seems turned on. You can then aim to stimulate his prostate, a gland inside his body which is located just above the perineum (the skin between his testicles and his anus). This is a highly sensitive area which heightens the orgasmic response in men. Try the following steps: 1. Cup his testicles, and then gently press them up against his body. 2. During intercourse or oral sex, lightly press against the perineum with your fingers in an upward motion. 3. Rub his anus with a lubed finger. 4. If his body language lets you know that he wants you to go further, press inward and upward, then twist the tip of your finger toward yourself to massage his prostate. Go slow and stop if either one of you feels uncomfortable. Make sure to browse my section on anal sex tips and anal sex positions. ‘I hate my fanny farts.’Fanny farts, also called queefs, are the result of air getting trapped inside the vagina and then being released in one noisy blast. It usually happens after vigorous sex with you lying on your back or when your partner exits you after doggie-style. Needless to say, it’s embarrassing enough to inhibit even the most sexually confident of women.Don’t worry – it’s not only happening to you; in fact, it’s quite common. Although there’s not much you can do to avoid it, it helps to have a plan of attack to manage it: Ignore it and keep going, or have a good laugh and get back to business. There is no doubt that your partner cares about it much less than you do! ‘I don’t know if it’s acceptable to have sex during my period.’This is one of the common secret sex concerns for women, sometimes due to pressure from partners with a high sex drive who don't appreciate a penetration ban roughly every four weeks.There is no reason why you shouldn’t engage in the sexual act during your period. That said, it will always be a matter of personal choice – for both you and your partner. If you’re both really desperate to get between the sheets, have a bath first to minimise spillage. Try sex positions that involve lying on your back – the missionary position is optimal. It also helps to use some pillows to raise your bottom. An added bonus? Orgasms are said to be excellent relievers of period pain. ‘I’m not sure if it’s safe to experiment with edibles.’
In the quest for novelty, many women use fruit and vegetables (think banana, cucumber, carrot….) for stimulation. Some couples also like to make it part of their foreplay. This is one instance where caution is indicated. Some edibles may cause an allergic reaction or cause infection; they may also break off inside you or cause physical damage.
My suggestion is that you indulge in the wide variety sex toys on the market. They have been designed with the female anatomy in mind and are approved for safe use. ‘I feel ashamed that I like to talk dirty during sex.’Explicit language in the bedroom is not only acceptable; it can be a huge turn-on. Remember, talking dirty is not about degrading yourself or wanting your partner to disrespect you. It’s about being fully engaged with the experience, and describing what’s happening when it’s happening in graphic detail. Give it a try, but as always, test your own comfort level and go with what feels right to you.‘My partner wants me to talk dirty, but I don’t know what to say.’A good way to get the ball rolling is to praise your partner during intercourse. Say his name and follow that up with, ‘I love it when you (lick, stroke, fondle, rub, caress, blow on, spank, bite, tease) my (name the body part). Do you like it too?’ You can then ask, ‘What else do you like?’ Listen to the words and phrases he uses and respond to that.If you struggle with using explicit terms, it may help to say the words out loud to yourself when you’re alone. It helps to desensitise you as you get used to them.
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