Painful Sex

by Jinx
(Canada)

Reader Question: 'I made love for the first time with my boyfriend one month ago. We are in a long distance relationship. The first time we had sex, it hurt soo much! I never thought it would be THAT much. My hymen broke and i had quite some bleeding. However, it was a weird experience, he entered a couple of times and never really got it completely in, because I was complaining and I was also very very tense so, I would tighten my muscles (not on purpose, my body seemed to react this way on its own)... when it finally did get in, and my hymen broke, it hurt so much I wanted to stop, so we did.

Basically, I really want to enjoy sex with him, I am very much in love, and I don't want to be scared anymore. The problem is the long distance issue. I was wondering if there is any way I can prepare for the next encounter..?

Please, please give me some advice.'

Dr. Mia responds...

Thank you for writing in with your concern. Firstly, it’s important for you to know that first sexual encounters are rarely satisfying – and often painful - for women. So please don’t be concerned that future experiences will mirror the first. There are a few things that you can do to make sure that you have wonderful sex the second time round.

Firstly, take time to explore your own body in a relaxed state of mind. I’m a firm believer that masturbation is a healthy part of any woman’s wellbeing – even if you’re in a committed relationship. You need plenty of experiences where you explore what pleasures you to the point of orgasm – and then you can communicate that to your partner as well.

Start with a relaxing bath or shower. Have on hand some body lotion, oil, or powder that you like and apply it to your arms and legs. Slowly begin exploring your body all over – your hands, arms, legs, feet, stomach, breasts, the inside of your thighs. See if you can really focus on what you’re feeling.

Start exploring your pubic hair, your outer lips, as well as the inner lips. Then explore your clitoris. Make sure that you’re well lubricated – use a good quality water-based lubricant like K-Y jelly for this purpose. Touch the inside of your vagina with your fingers and see if you can gradually stretch the opening to take more than one finger. Once you can easily move your fingers in- and out, you may want to try vibrators of different sizes.

Of course you don’t have to do all of this in one session. Do a little bit each day, and by the time you get together with your partner, you will be a lot more relaxed and ready for intercourse.

Try and duplicate what worked in your solo sessions with your partner. Take it slow. Ask for a sensual body massage and make sure to use lubricant. Pleasurable sex is all about relaxing, focusing on the senses, and being present in the moment.

If painful sex re-occurs or continues after all your preparation, you may need a bit of extra help. check out our online therapy page for individual, targeted advice.

Warm wishes,
Mia Rose