Angel's Journal 2008

11 December 2008

I get so frustrated with myself sometimes it drives me insane. I love to write and at the moment when I really want to talk to my psycologist especially if it's about really personal stuff, if it's about sex in general or if I have to talk about me then I write. It's so much easier.

I would love to be able to sit down and talk to my psychologist or my friends about personal things, without feeling embarrassed or uncomfortable. The only time I've felt remotely comfortable talking about me or sex is when I've had too much alcohol, which is very very rare. Even then it's easier if I'm sitting in the dark so my face can't be seen going a lovely shade of pink. I figure that if you can't see me I can't see you. I like to be able to hide my face.

I used to have really long hair that I would let hang over my face and over my eyes. I liked that, I guess it was like a mask. Now if I'm feeling myself blush or I'm feeling uncomfortable I avert my eyes or look out the window or put my sunglasses on so my eyes can't be seen.

When I have been talking with who ever for a little while I start to relax and maybe forget being uncomfortable then I can say want I want however I still get to the point where I really want to say the words that I'm thinking but I can't get them off my tongue. It's like I've suddenly gone mute or my tongues been chopped off. So I give up and say nothing.

When my children ask me questions I try and be as honest and open as I can without showing them that I'm feeling uncomfortable or embarrassed. I think my children have to be able to come to me and tell me or ask me anything they want. I try so hard to explain things so they will understand without giving too much information. I also try very hard to not look so shocked when they ask personal questions. I tell them what I think they should be told taking into consideration their ages. Some things little kids just don't understand.

It will be very interesting when they all start asking about sex. I can't exactly hide my face then.

I often wonder if I'm the only person out of everyone I know that finds it hard when the sex subjects come up in conversation. I know that when sitting at the dinner table or around the barbarque or on the couch and sex is mentioned or body parts I feel very nervous and try my darndest to change the subject, or pretend that I didn't hear. It's like, Oh my god, I can't believe you just said that. How embarrassing.

Being a parent is as everyone says. It's an adventure, a huge learning curve, sometimes embarrassing but at the same time it is very rewarding.

I'd be so lost if I didn't have my children around me. I also consider myself to be very lucky to have three beautiful children and a understanding husband in my life. I live for each of them and they have all been my first priority and now I'm learning that I have to take care of and start to do more for me. So far it's good.

7 December 2008

For such a long time I have always been quite happy, well not happy but used to sitting by myself at sporting events, I go to watch my children compete, to have fun, to laugh, to enjoy themselves, to be kids. It doesn't bother me that they may be last to finish their race, what matters to me is that is that they had fun while doing it. My children are always the winners in my eyes. If they wind up getting a ribbon or a trophy then that's an added bonus.

I was at a sporting event recently and I was a little saddened while sitting back by myself and watching the goings on around me. It was obvious to me that some mothers go to these sporting events to socialize not to watch their children, that is sad. If I tell my children that I'll be there to watch them that's exactly what I do. Yeah sure I might say hello to some ladies, at the same time I know where my children are and when they are next to race.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know what it's like to not have your parents come watch you compete, to be there to pick you up should you fall, that hurts. So before I even had children I made a promise to myself that if there was something that my children were taking part in and they really wanted me there to watch I would go and support them in there triumphs or comfort them in their defeats. I figure that as long as I am there watching they know that I love them no matter what. I'm not saying that these ladies go just to socialize, don't love their children I'm sure they do but why go if you aren't going to watch. Go to the nearest cafe and socialize there. I'm sure you'll be able to figure out that yes, I am annoyed today. I'm fed up with living in a fake world and I'm fed up with me.

Why do I judge myself so harshly?

Why do I always let myself expect good only to be dealt bad?

Should I sit back and wait for my friends to contact me? Are they really my friends if I'm the one that always contacts them? What have I done for them not to want to contact me? Is it because of the me on the inside being so different to the one on the outside? Am I the only one that really values friendship for what it is? What have I done so wrong in life to be so lonely and unable to communicate my true feelings to those that matter, and then when and if I do, do I scare people away with the truth that I do speak? Why can't I just be happy? I deserve to be happy like everyone else, I just have to figure out how to find that happiness.

3 December 2008

I was told just recently that some people envy me. These people wish they were more like me, as apparently I have my finger on the pulse; I know exactly what' going on around me. What a joke! I laughed so hard when I heard this. Why on earth would they want to be like me? Little do those that don't know me know what goes on in my mind. Little do they know how confused I get when they start talking about things I don't understand or if I ask them to explain it to me again and then I still don't get it.

I see the frustration on their faces because I simply cannot grasp what they are trying to explain to me. When everyone else in the room has already moved on to the next topic, my mind goes completely blank. In the end I make up an excuse to go and do something else so I don't have to engage in any more conversations. My friends have told me on occasion that I'm a very strong women who knows how to get what she wants. That I'm beautiful inside and out, that I'm funny, confident and straight forward and that I can speak my mind with ease.

I would love to be like that - what woman wouldn't? I know that I'm not like that when I'm by myself.

If only people knew that I get extremely nervous talking to new people and stepping out of my comfort zone. If I can find an excuse to get out of going somewhere and meeting new people then I'll find it.

Yeah sure, the outside is tough and confident but on the inside I'm a bundle of nerves. More often than not, I'm too shy to walk up to another mother at school or sporting activities just to say hello or to introduce myself to them. I wait for them to approach me - it's easier that way. Most times when I really want to voice my opinion or I want to talk about anything in particular, I can't seem to find the right words. Sometimes I'm busting to talk too; to ask a couple of questions. My mouth gets dry and I start to shake and I find it hard to breathe and no matter how hard I try I cannot bring myself to open my mouth and say the words I'm trying desperately to get out.

In the end I just bite my tongue and end up saying nothing, and change the subject. Give me a pen and paper and a fair amount of time and I might just be able to get out what I'm trying to say. I know I am a nice person. I like to help those in need. I love trying to help my friends sort out the dramas in their lives and have been known to give some excellent advice. I just can't follow my own advice. I can give it but I can't always take it.

I'm in the slow process of trying to change all this. Change isn't the easiest of things for me but it's a good thing and the right thing for me to do. I'm hoping that I'm on my way to a new and improved, happier, more approachable me.

-Read Angel's Love Letters here.

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