Angel's Journal 2009
27 February 2009The last couple of nights as I've laid down to go to sleep my mind has been racing with things that I should be writing down. I haven't done it and now I don't remember what I was thinking. I'm kicking myself for not writing what I was thinking. 2009 is going to be a very big year for me. I decided last year that it's time for a change. So look out 'cause change is what is going to happen. There is so much happening for me and my family this year. The changes are well on thevway so there is no turning back now. I have to learn to cope with these changes and I think rather quickly. What are these changes....We are changing our house, extending to accomodate our growing family. A very slow patience testing renovation, is what it is. I would have to say that the biggest changes are going to involve me and me alone. I'm actually doing for me. Something that until about six months ago I would have never even thought about. I'm trying to change the way I think and feel about things so that I'm a more positive and a happier person. I am still trying to find the real me so I am struggling a little at the moment as these are all uncharted waters for me. To think about what I want to do in my future, to think about what makes me happy hasn't been easy. It's taken a lot of sessions so far with my psychologist to get thus far. There is still quite a ways to go. All this doing for me, to be completely honest it's freaking the hell out of me. I've got two huge things lined up for myself this year. In the next couple of weeks I will be starting my first ever course at University. I have been putting this aside for the last 15 years so it's finally time, all the kids are at school so there's no time like the present. When I got my letter of acceptance I was so excited. I couldn't wait to tell my husband. Then after I told him I sat down and thought to myself "Holy shit I'm actually going to study, Oh my god what have I gotten myself into." "Me! I'm going to be a student". When I actually, well it wasn't me my friend come over and filled out all the necessary papers to apply so when my friend was filling out the forms I made sure she put down that my first preference was to do my study externally. So when I got my acceptance letter I was even more excited by the fact that I got the external placement that I wanted. Now all I have to do is start. I know there will come a time in the not so distant future that I will need to go onto campus to do some study so I will need to cross that bridge first. I'm sure that as long as I have a detailed map I will be fine. The next big thing on my agenda this year is a trip overseas with a friend. No husband no children just my friend and I. At the moment I'm nervous but not too nervous. I've had all my needles and I've got all my other medications together well most I'm still thinking about sedatives at the moment. I'll see how I go on that. It's going to be enormous for me to get on an aeroplane and fly (I don't like take off's, turbulence or landings so it will be interesting) to the another country make that two countries without my husband by my side. I know it will be a once in a life time experience for me. I will be away for 16 days that's going to be a long time for someone who has never been away from her kids for longer than four days, a challenge is what it shall be. I have been thinking that it's going to be good for me to do this a real personal accomplishment, and live changing experience that I am truely excited about. Don't think for a minute that I'm 100% cool calm and collected I am very nervous Lets just see how I go in the next 6 weeks leading up to my departure for this adventure. You might have some interesting things to read about in that time. 26 February 2009There may be quite a bit of swearing in this journal entry so please be pre warned if you don't like foul language. I would appologise but I'm writing this to vent, to express myself not to please others. These are my personal thoughts and feelings right here, right now, and right now I'm really pissed off and fed up with everything. I have been busting my arse doing all sorts of things to help sort our house and office out to de-clutter and have a general clean up.If I don't do it it will never get done. Mind you, I never seem to do enough. My best is never good enough. There is always something that didn't get done when it should have been. I keep saying to my husband and my children " I am only one person, I get tired too, I get sick of doing things, like let me see just like many another mother/wife on this earth that does the same I could make a list but I'd be here for ever. I shouldn't have to make a list anyway. I know what I do for my family and my friends but what thanks do I get. Nothing at all. Do I ever get a Gee thanks for picking us up Mum, thanks for washing our cloths, cooking our dinner or remembering birthdays. It's not hard to say Thank you. I say it all the time. I' just so annoyed right about now. Why is it that the women of the family have to do everything all the time. I'm sure in my family it is expected that as the mother and wife I have to do everything. I know it's a womans job to take care of all things involved with being the mother and the wife or partner. What I want to say about this at the moment is "Men harden the fuck up" be a man pick up the fucking broom and sweep bloody floor or put a load of washing on, cook dinner for once that would be nice. I can't complain to much about my husband not cooking, he does and he usually does a really good job and serving us something yummy. It's the cleaning up afterwards that I wish he would learn how to do. Sometimes I wish I was either a big drinker or an extrovert so I could go and socialize with my friends and forget that I have three kids and a husband at home waiting for me. It's very rare that I'm not home when my husband gets home from work, but he'll come home then disappear again Oh I forgot I have to do a quick job at so and so's or I just need to go and have a quick look at this job up the road. A quick look my fucking arse. Why does it take a six pack and 2 or 3 hours to have a quick look. If it takes that long to have a quick look I'd hate to find out how long it would take for a good look at any job. I won't be long usually takes 3 hours for my husband. In the meantime I have to watch the kids and get them ready for dinner and bed but then Dad might be home in time to say good night. Yah there's a nice break for him again. Then on the very rare occassion that he might only take and hour and a half to look at the job and actually come home before the sun goes down a mate of his drives up the driveway and if I want to ask him to help with anything I have to be quick. If I try and tell him how I'm feeling and that I need him to actually help me for once I'm apparently starting an argument. I get told I don't speak what's on mind enough, then when I get the guts to actually say something I get shot down and told that I'm starting an argument. I know I'm having a good dig at my husband today I don't always, he is a good father and a good husband when he's not busy with the business. Everything is just really shitting me today. I might just finish now and go and find a glass of wine for myself.9 January 2009Well it's the last day of the year and as they say "Out with the old and in with the new". 2009, I hope, is going to be a bigger more successful year for me. Not only for me but for my family. The highlights of 2008 for me well the most memorable would have to be the very romantic surprise weekend away that my husband organised for us at a local resort. We were celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary and Valentines Day. It was such an awesome surprise I honestly didn't think my husband had it in him to organise all the details for us to enjoy such a beautiful weekend together. I was totally spoilt rotten and I loved every minute of it. The next one would have to be when we got to swim in out pool for the first time, it just so happened to be our youngest child's birthday the same day. We then started renovations on our little house. That was a good thing as cabin fever was starting to set in. Then just recently I got the new kitchen that I've been waiting so long for. Another was when an old friend got into contact with me after seven years. I'm sure there have been heaps more high lites but these have to be the most significant. I've felt like I have had more downs this year than ups. I have had a lot of conflicts and a lot of personal conflicts. We all have our demons more are just a little closer to the surface than others. I decided after a lot of arguements with my husband that I needed to sort myself and my demons out. At the same time I didn't want to do it. It was only after going and seeing my doctor and telling her that I thought I maybe needed to see a psychiatrist 'cause I thought there was something wrong with the way I think and deal with things. That's when I was diagnosed with severe depression. At the time I felt like my world was crumbling around me. It didn't matter what I was watching or reading I would cry at the drop of a hat. I flet like my husband didn't want to be with me or our children. I felt like I couldn't make him happy with anything I said or did. My doctor referred me to a local psychologist. When my doctor was making the appointment for me I was spinning out as she was going to try and get me in to see a male, straight away I said NO sorry I won't see a male. Then my doctor talked to a lady sitting in the waiting room and this lady came up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder and said you can come and see me this afternoon. I haven't been so frightened for such a long time. In my mind it was only going to get a whole lot more scarier from now on in. This year would have to be the most confronting and revealing of my life.I have never been so open and honest with my thoughts and feelings and I'm so thankful to my psychologist for helping me to start to be comfortable enough to share things with her. What else can I say about this year? Not much, really. I am still a fair way away from being a new person. Don't get me wrong I will always be me but next year I just hope that I will be a happier more relaxed me, that will eventually be comfortable enough in my own skin. I would love to be more open with what I want from my husband and not be uncomfortable when those around me talk about sex and stuff. I'd like to not blush for once. So here goes nothing, bring on the new year, and all the changes that comes with it. I would just like to wish all of you who may be reading my journal entries a very Happy New Year. May all your dreams become realities this year.(Back to Better Sex Home Page)
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