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Advice in Love Relationship

Reader Question

Dr. Mia, I need advice in love relationship since my wife has low libido and I don't know how to help her. I am 44, and after 17 years of marriage, divorced 4 years ago because I wasn't in love and I wanted passion again. I set out to find a woman who I couldn't be without, had a good chemistry with and MY MAIN PRIORITY was that I wanted a healthy 'rip each other's clothes off' relationship.
I found her. She turns me on whenever I'm with her. You can set your clock by my 6am erections but she has never responded and isn't into sex. She's on depression pills, and sleeps a lot. So I'm wondering... did I do it again? I feel like I am back in my marriage.
This is what's worrying me and why I need advice. She walks around like a 'fuck me' doll, but she doesn't seem to want me. Her low libido makes me feel... lost. How do I tell her she needs to pay attention to me and it kills me to lust after her and not be able to touch her or be satified.
Masturbation just makes me so sad these days. I am not prepared to jerk off for the last years of my strong libido.

It would kill me to leave her but it's killing me to be rejected. What should I do?

Mia says...

You're really finding yourself in an unenviable position. The thing is you can't change somebody else... she's got to be willing to make changes in order for your sexual relationship to work. I'm wondering what is really going on in her mind?

Here are some of my initial thoughts:

It's hard for me to say this to you, but sex is not always guaranteed in a relationship - especially after the first infatuation wears off. For a woman, it has a lot to with hormones. That's where good communication comes in - to be able to talk about what is going on for both of you, what your needs are, and what you'd like to see happen in order for things to improve.

Before you go to your partner and make your requests for sex, consider the context of your lives. What is currently happening in her life, and in the wider world, that might be affecting her interest in sex? Is she struggling with physical symptoms? Is there any other form of stress in her life? You say that she is on antidepressants. Both depression and the taking of antidepressants can affect a woman's libido dramatically. If she were my client, I'd encourage her to get a thorough check-up.

I think it's important that you let your partner know that you are sad, distraught, or even a bit angry that you haven't been able to be physically intimate or that your needs aren't being met. Just make sure that you communicate your feelings without blame.

Once you let your feelings be known, hopefully you can then decide together how you are going to handle the current state of your sex life. You might find that doing some brainstorming about how the two of you can be together privately more often helps. Just talking about the problem and taking some action, however small, might make the difference between total frustration and frustration that you can tolerate.

What if your sexual relationship is endangered because of psychological problems, such as your partner having an aversion to sex, or finds that sex is triggering memories of past negative sexual experiences such as abuse or assault? In that case, you need to be understanding that these problems are real and not just a reason your partner has come up with to stop having sex with you. If this is the case, I'd strongly advise that she get some professional help for herself.

Then ask how the two of you might work together to get over this impasse. You may be able to accomplish this by experimenting to see what works (lots of relaxation before sex, having sex with the lights off if she has body image problems, etc.) and then talking about it. But if experiments do not go well or your partner is having difficulty just contemplating being sexual, then it's probably best to speak to a sex therapist.

At least try to resolve the problem before leaving the relationship. If it does come to that, you'll be able to leave it with the knowledge that you did your best to adhere to your commitment, even if your partner was unwilling to do so.

Better Sex Recommendation

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If you found this advice in love relationship page helpful, make sure to check out the following pages too...

* Libido Secrets

* Be your Own Sex Therapist

* Health Benefits of Sex

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SBI!